With all of the debate that surrounds the traditional NBA
awards, sometimes we need to take a step back and think about which
awards really matter. For that, I’ve
created a brand new host of annual awards that go to a select few players. Some
of these awards are shoo-ins, just like LeBron James with the 2013 NBA MVP
award, but others are quite competitive. Here they are, the first annual selection
for the eleven real 2013 NBA season
player awards:
JaVale “I’m not sure
what’s going on” McGee Award
If you have had the pleasure of laughing hysterically at any
YouTube
videos of the Nuggets center (see above), you know just how utterly clueless he can be at
times. Free throw line dunks in game are only the beginning to his on-court
antics and sometimes he just looks so hopelessly lost. So, unless somebody else
comes into the league with the lack of intelligence that McGee brings to the
table, this award is created and won exclusively by the guy who is never quite
sure what is going on, JaVale McGee.
Defensive player for opposing teams Award
This award is handed out to the player that every opposing team loves. The traditional Defensive Player of the Year award goes to a player that shuts down opposing offenses. Well, that can be useful occasionally but this award is more important. Now we’re talking about a player who is so great that he can shut down his own team’s offense. It takes a truly special player to do that. And for now at least, the winner of this award takes first place in a landslide. Russell Westbrick Westbrook is truly one of a kind because he has the ability to hold three-time scoring champion Kevin Durant under 30 points per game on any given night.
Larry “White man
wonder” Bird Award
With the ever-decreasing concentration of (good) white
players in the NBA, the White Man Wonder award goes out to this year’s best
player who looks like the color of the basketball net. Kevin Love may be the perennial
favorite to take home this trophy but his injuries this year prevented him from
taking home this award’s first annual winner. Undoubtedly, half of the Vanilla
Towers in Golden State earned it this year. David Lee, the 20-10 machine, takes
home these honors.
Rasheed “Ref, that
was a FOUL!” Wallace Award
Who holds the single season record for technical
fouls? Answer: Rasheed Wallace. Do you know who holds the second, third, and
fourth highest single season records for T’s? Yup, those titles also go to
Rasheed Wallace. If there’s one thing that you can count on Rasheed Wallace
for, it’s yelling at the refs. Even though the list of top 20 players with T’s
in 2013 is a star-studded lineup, no better and more frequent complainer exists
than the Lakers great, Kobe Bryant. A 95-year veteran of the NBA, sometimes it’s
hard to see if Kobe’s complaining or asking for a cane but he always finds a
way to put on that “come on, ref” look when he gets fouled. The reality
according to Kobe: if I missed a shot, I was fouled. Simple as that. Kobe, here
you are, another trophy to add to your walls of awards and accolades.
Michael “should I
stay or should I go?” Jordan Award
I lost count of how many retirements the great Michael
Jordan had accumulated over the course of his careers. Was he trying to retire
one time for every ring he won? This award honors his greatness in deciding to
retire and unretire and recognizes the player who just can’t seem to finally
pull the plug on his NBA playing career. Grant Hill, at 40 years old, averaged
3 points and 2 rebounds per game in 2013 which is almost on par with the great
Luke Walton. Grant, it's time to call it a career.
Dennis “I’ll wear
what I want to wear” Rodman Award
If you can explain the logic behind the Dennis Rodman
outfits…who are we kidding? Nobody can do that. If anybody can surpass Rodman’s
attire, I would be simply befuddled. The array of colorful and unusual clothes
that Rodman adorned was interesting to say the least. Paying homage that
trend-setting style, this award landed unanimously in the possession of the
always attention-grabbing Russell Westbrook. My philosophy: Westbrook is
auditioning to become a United States ambassador to North Korea.
Antoine “Keep on
chucking” Walker Award
Despite leading the league in three-point attempts for three
consecutive years in his highly regarded career, Antoine Walker spent years
chucking from beyond the arc for the Boston Celtics. Finishing off his career
with a .325 3PT field goal percentage, Walker shot below 30 percent for three different seasons. Apparently it is true:
ignorance is bliss. There is no more perfect player to win the chucking award
than Bucks guard, Monta Ellis. An excellent thrasher, Monta hoisted 4.0 threes
a game in 2013 and shot…wait for the ball to hit the iron…28.7 percent from
beyond the arc. Somebody enter this man into the three-point shooting contest.
Ben “Little Big Man”
Wallace Award
There’s something to be said for the big man who, well…isn’t
really that big. Ben Wallace was known for being a defensive force at center despite being only 6’9”. Leading
the Detroit Pistons to the 2004 championship, Wallace also topped the league in
rebounding and blocks throughout his career. So before the Little Man Complex
kicks in, let’s give some love to the not-so-bigs who use energy and an undying
motor to propel themselves to NBA success. And for the 2013 Little Big Man
Award, the 6’8” Kenneth Faried comes out on top. The Manimal has a motor that never quits and is an athletic monster who will likely
compete for these honors for years to come.
Metta Not World Peace
a-War-d
Aside from wanting to vomit every time I hear the name Metta
World Peace, I laugh at the idea that the man could
bestow such a name upon himself. From the Malice at the Palace to innumerable
other incidents, Not World Peace has made a name for himself by advocating for
just about everything except world
peace. Thus, you have the above named a-War-d. To nobody’s surprise (save maybe
his own), DeMarcus Cousins is the perfect recipient for these honors
considering his behavior was so bad that in December his own team suspended him. Congrats, DeMarcus.
Brian “MVP”
Scalabrine-Cardinal Award
Even the NBA champion LeBron James stands little chance in
the debate of greatest NBA players of all time when you mention the indomitable
Brian Scalabrine. The two man debate for GOAT is between the White Mamba and
the 4.6/2.3/1.0 career average of Brian Cardinal. So, in honor of these two
greats, the real MVP award is named
after the great Brians of the NBA. The Brians would support the man who earned the 2013 MVP
honors, none other than Timofey Mozgov. Not only did the Russian Rocket pile
up 2.6 points and 2.6 rebounds in 2013, but he also kindly volunteered to be
posterized by DeMar DeRozan in one of the greatest dunks of 2013.
Sam “sorry, Portland”
Bowie Award
The Portland Trailblazers always
seem to be the recipient of either some terrible luck or just poor decisions.
Sam Bowie is famous for who he is not. That person he is not is the player
drafted one slot below him in the 1984 NBA Draft: Michael Jordan. As if that
was not bad enough, Portland proceeded to pass up on one Kevin Durant in the
2007 NBA Draft for the durable Greg Oden. Aside from the other achievement
differentials, in 2010, Durant played in as many regular season games as Oden
played in his entire career (82). So surely Portland would figure out a good
draft pick in 2011, right? They opted to stop the trend of drafting big men in
favor of a guard. Instead of Kenneth Faried, they selected the 6’2” Duke guard,
Nolan Smith. Smith averages 3.3 points and 1.2 assists for his career.
However, the irony is that the
recipient of this terrible decision is another team that dwells in the cellar
of the NBA and the last men laughing are the Blazers front office! In the 2012 draft,
Portland selected Damian Lillard with the sixth overall pick. One slot earlier,
the Kings opted for Thomas Robinson and his 4.8 points and 4.5 rebounds per
game. Although he was hardly as bad of a choice as Bowie, Robinson was so great
that the Kings decided to share his talents and traded him mid-season to the
Rockets.
Hahahahah great article man, DTR is back! Great read on a hungover morning. Also think Josh Smith could be a decent choice for the Antoine Walter award - although he takes fewer 3s, he takes so many stupid mid-range jumpers that he never seems to make
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